


Love means sharing your nasty germs

by AsheTarasovich (natalieashe), Boffin1710



Series: Love is... [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Babysitting, Idiots in Love, Love Means, M/M, Sick Character, Sickfic, The things we don't say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9650207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natalieashe/pseuds/AsheTarasovich, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boffin1710/pseuds/Boffin1710
Summary: Q finds the perfect reason for putting all double o's into quarantine





	1. Chapter 1

He was convinced someone had purposely turned the heat off to his home and office because the three layers he was wearing did nothing at all to warm his chilled body. “This is all your bloody fault.  God knows what nasty virus you brought back from Volgograd.”  He sniffled waving a handful of tissues at Alec who was sprawled prone on the sofa as he pressed his hot cuppa against the side of his head trying to ease his throbbing earache. 

“It's not my fault!  It's running rampant through 6!”  Alec choked out coughing deep from inside his chest. 

“Bastard!” Which came out more like a squeak as Q sneezed.  "I should insist to M that you are put in mandatory quarantine in Medical before you're allowed back in my bed," he managed to splutter out between wracking coughs.

"Well at least I would get painkillers there,"  Alec whined.  "You went into the kitchen 20 minutes ago for them, and I am still here with my pounding head and temperature, sweating all over the bloody sofa."

"Lovely.  Just love..."  The rest of Q's sentence was lost in one long groan as the shivering threatened to rattle his teeth.

Alec rolled over and stripped off his sweat-damp t-shirt, mopping his sweating face with it, and dropping it onto the floor. He winced at his own stench and hissed when he tried to drag his fingers through his tangled, matted hair.  He was on day six of this hell, and now Q, instead of tending to him, had the audacity to become sick also.

"Oh just say the word Alec, and I will gladly call Moneypenny to take your contagious arsehole self back to medical to be quarantined at MI6."  Q coughed raspy and goopy leaning back in his desk chair.  He didn't even know why he was trying to work. The monitor screen was fuzzy half the time, and he was accomplishing nothing.  He should have listened to R hours ago and turned over the monitoring of 009's mission.    
  
Alec reached for the box of tissues lying on the floor next to the sofa almost falling on the floor as a fever-driven dizzy moment struck him.  "Fuck..." he sighed.  "How much snot can one person hold?!" Blowing his nose for the 5000th time.  The mound of snotty tissues on the floor next to him was threatening to take over the room.     
  
"Actually if truth be told, one person can produce about a litre of snot in 24 hours.  If you...."    
  
"Shut the fuck up, you little shite."  Alec moaned.  "I'm dying.  No time for your brainiac shite.  Planning my funeral.”

"And you say I'm the drama queen."  

Alec buried through the tissue mountain and found a sticky bottle.  He unscrewed the lid and took a deep draught of the medicine, and then began coughing, which turned into retching.  "Fuck!  Why does this stuff have to taste so vile?"  The gagging had set his head to spinning again, and he slumped sideways dragging Q's wastebin closer to the sofa.  

"Oh, so you finally spotted that, did you?" Q snarked.  "You can pick all those snot-rags off the floor and use the bin for its intended purpose."

Alec cradled his head in his hands, silently begging the room to stop being so damn unstable.  They might be in the basement of MI6, but he felt like a new recruit to the Navy on his first ship out, queasy and definitely not reliable on his feet.

"Its current intended purpose" he moaned "is to keep much worse things off your office floor.  Christ... what do I have to do to get an ice-cold drink here?  I think I'm dead and in hell already."

"Why is your office door shut?"

The pair glared blearily at the cheerful voice that had opened said door and was letting harsh light stream into Q's pleasantly dim office.  "Keep the fucking door shut!  Too bright!"  Q hissed like a vampire exposed to the sun and immediately grabbed frantically for a handful of tissues to trap the immense sneezing fit it triggered.

"Alec brought the zombie snot apocalypse plague back from Volgograd with him and has proceeded to share the wealth." Q whined followed by a series of 5 sneezes that wracked his thin frame.   "Bloody hell. Someone turned the heat up in here."   
  
"It's as hot as a foundry in here Q!"  Alec wheezed.     
  
"I think I'll leave you two to die in peace." Bond cautiously started to back out of Q's office door.     
  
"Noooo," Q begged waving his empty cup at Bond.  "Tea.  Pleaseeee.  Bring me some tea.  Hot.  Sweet.  Before I die here in a mound of snotty tissues that someone can't seem to get in the bin!"     
  
"He has no sympathy what so ever for a dying man James. I thought our Quartermaster was supposed to take care of his agents."  Alec moaned giving into his spinning head slipping off the sofa to sit on the floor.    
  
Bond rolled his eyes at both of them in true pissy Quartermaster fashion before turning to yell at R to have someone come from medical.     
  
"I do not need someone from..." Q began to protest, but another sneezing fit hit him.    
  


"What you need is to be home in bed, preferably with a large red X painted on the bedroom door" Bond smirked.  "I wonder if any HazMat suits are going spare?"

"Funny, James" Alec growled, falling limply against the sofa.  "Just wait until you join us."

"Alec is equally fond of you, James.  Enough to share his horrid germs with you too."  Q squinted at his monitor and tried to determine the last known position of 009, who was supposed to be making his way to a rendezvous with a target.  He had swapped the earpiece from his throbbing right ear to the left, but it was uncomfortable and disorienting, and just wrong to hear the agent's mutterings on that side of his head.

R appeared at the door, peering around Bond's shoulder.  She raised an eyebrow at Alec's half-naked form sprawled on the floor, surrounded by tissues.  "I would make a joke, but I think they have both had a sense of humour bypass.  Tea for the Quartermaster.  And I stole someone's can of Pepsi from the fridge for the other one."  Bond moved aside to let her deliver the drinks.  "For the love of God 007, make them go home!  And Quartermaster, I am taking over 009 before the man combusts with frustration from your garbled instructions."

"Excellent idea, R.  Q, let your second in command have the agent.  Medical is here."  Bond stepped aside to let the medic into the office.  "Spare them no mercy, Tom.  They have no energy to protest, both weak as kittens."

"Bloody fucking hell," Q hissed trying to pull away but Tom from   
Medical has him successfully pinned against his desk. "Did he just throw that hypodermic at my arse from across the room, like playing darts?  This is so embarrassing."   
  
"Oh believe me you've been in a lot more embarrassing and compromising situations than this," Alec murmured as he zipped up his trousers, buckled his belt, as a tissue box went flying by his head.    
  
"Shut it, Alec."  Q cursed at him starting to cough and choke until Bond had to pat him on the back, handing him his tea again.    
  
"There is antibiotics for both of you, cough and cold meds also.  Both of you monitor your fever levels throughout the day.  Are you capable of doing that?"  Tom glared at both of the sickies and warned.  "I can just move you both upstairs right now. "   
  
"Yes, Mum..."   
  
"I hate you..."   
  
“Hydrate.  Stay warm.  And for God's sake shower."  Tom laid out a stack of pill bottles for them to take home.  "I'll come check on you both on Wednesday with another shot.  Under no uncertain terms are you to step back in this building until you are cleared by someone from medical."   
  
"But..."   
  
"If I was you," Tom turned to Bond with a smirk.  "I'd avoid going anywhere near either of these two whiny gits. Just remember we would love to have both of them as guests in our lovely accommodations."

"Open the window, James, I'm roasting in my own skin," Alec moaned, fanning himself and then rubbing his face with the hem of his t-shirt.  No sooner had he done so then sweat beaded on his brow once more.

"No!  I'm freezing!"  Q's teeth still chattered audibly, even though he was bundled in the back seat of the Range Rover wearing not only his own multiple layers, but also buried under Alec's coat and a travel rug.  "I so hate you, Alec!"  The c at the end of Alec's name set off another bout of choking that had Bond glancing with concern in the rearview mirror.

"Perhaps if you stop bickering the lurgy will subside?  All this sniping is polluting the car with germs."  

Q sneezed, and finding the box of tissues empty, wiped his nose on the closest thing, which happened to be Alec's coat.  He caught James' disapproving eye in the mirror and, unable to form a smart comment with his fuddled brain, stuck his tongue out instead.  James just shook his head and decided to deny all knowledge when Alec discovered the mysterious stains.

When they finally pulled up to the flat, Alec poured out of the Range Rover before it had even come to a complete stop just to get outside into the cooler air.  Q, however, sat bundled in the back seat still refusing to get out of the car. 

“I swear to God, Q, I will carry you into the house over my shoulder if I must or I’ll just leave you here to wallow in your misery.” Bond warned him standing with the back door open waiting for him to decide what he was going to do.

Still buried within Alec’s coat, Q reluctantly got out of the car but not without giving Bond the most pathetic sickie pout he could muster before trudging into the flat sneezing the entire time.

“You do not take up residence on the sofa,” Bond pointed a finger at Alec who was just getting ready to flop down.  “Down to the spare bathroom bath and shower.  You,” turning to Q.  “Head up to the bath in our bedroom. “

Both began to protest but Bond was not hearing any of it.  “Bath and Bed.  You both are disgusting and I’m not having either of you contaminate the entire flat.” 

Alec angrily began stripping off his clothes, throwing them to the floor in a fit of childish defiance.  Bond merely stood with crossed arms and self-satisfied smirk as his partner stood stark naked in the living room.  "Better for the tantrum?  Giving Q a run for his money in the toddler stakes."

Feeling somewhat deflated at the lack of reaction, Alec stalked away.  Or at least attempted it on legs that suddenly decided to turn to jelly and fail him as he approached the stairs.  "Fuck!"  He grabbed the banister and gracelessly slumped onto his arse on the top step.  "I'm fine," he growled, "In case you were wondering?"

"Be more careful.  I am not supervising you both.  It's bad enough I have to play nursemaid, cook and cleaner to two whiny children."

Bond wandered away to the kitchen with the large bag of medication, sighing at the sheer number of medicines and the schedule Medical had supplied him with.  It was quite possible he may murder the pair of them before they ever had a chance to recover.  He filled the kettle and began rattling mugs irritably.

Halfway up the stairs Q slumped under the weight of his many layers and glared down at Alec who was still summoning the energy to try to get down the stairs to the lower suite without breaking his neck.  He mumbled something incomprehensible at Alec.

"What?"  Alec snapped, then held his throbbing head as the sound of his own voice seemed to echo inside his skull.

Q managed to free his snotty face from the muffle of clothing.  "I said..."  Sneeze.  "You only think you were in hell before.  Now we have a blue-eyed devil in charge."

Q managed to wash off after lying on the floor of the shower for an eternity until Bond came to the bath door to see if he had actually died or drowned.  “Out Q. Bed, tea and meds.” Bond yelled at him from the outer bedroom. 

At this point, he was too miserable to even tell Bond to fuck off let alone to argue with him.  Struggling to towel off his body, he pulled on pajama pants, t-shirt, and one of Alec’s hoodies that he had claimed that came down to his knees.  Crawling in bed still shivering, he pulled the duvet up over his head to nest with multiple boxes of tissue buried under the duvet with him.    

A few moments, later Alec came stumbling in still stark naked not even bothering with a towel after his shower.   “Move over you little shite.  I am not sleeping in the guest bed, so you are going to need to share.” 

Q really wanted to tell Alec to fuck off, but instead of words, all he had were sneezes, snot, and tissues which took all the energy he had left.   “I’m freezing….”

“It’s suffocating in here.  How the bloody hell can you be cold?”  Q pulled the duvet up further as the same time Alec, still completely starkers,  was trying to throw it completely off the bed.

"It's a big enough bed, Alec.  Stay on your side!" Q whined, attempting to burrow deeper into the cocoon.  The steamy air of the shower seemed to have eased the sneezing but now his nose was running like a tap from both nostrils.  He stuffed a tissue up the left one and bubbled in a breath through the other as best he could.

"You were just moaning you were cold!  I have heat to spare, you little shite, and this is the only time I will ever beg you to put your bloody icy hands all over me."

James nudged the bedroom door open with his foot and carried in a tray of steaming mugs, two for each of them.  "Flu powders and instant soup.  Get them while they're hot."

"Hot!  Fucking hell, James you really are taking the piss."  Alec flapped around on the bed, pounding the pillows into an unsatisfactory lump so he could half sit up.  He was already sweating again, and his head pounded like the worst hangover in the world.  In fact, a hangover would be better than this.  "Vodka?" he rasped, looking hopefully at James.  "It's alcohol.  Kills germs."

"Nice try, but not a chance.  Drink up, toddlers.  And then night nights for you."

"'ankr"  the tousled curls muttered from beneath the duvet.  

At least the meds that medical had given them were making him sleepy, but he was still frozen to the bone.  “Snuggle me…” Q moaned pathetically as he curled around a tissue box or two, his tablet and phone.  “Freezing.”

“No duvet though.” Alec coughed trying not to choke again like he had done trying to drink his tea earlier.   He did, however tuck the duvet in all around Q only to then drape his naked self across the younger man with his bare arse out for all the world to see. 

“I so ‘ate you ‘lec,” Q muttered followed by a sneezing fit again. 

“Shut it you,” Alec reached over trying to steal a box of tissues away from him and the tussle began.  “I swear I will just blow my nose in your hair.” He snarled before taking command of one of the boxes. 

“Go the fuck to sleep.” Bond commanded from the doorway and heading to Q’s side of the bed to take away his tech before flicking off the lights.  “Sleep.  Rest.  Or I’ll call medical to come get you.”

“I ‘ate him more than you ‘lec.” Q muttered from under the duvet as he pulled it over his head again.   



	2. Chapter 2

Bond crept stealthily into the bedroom next morning to find Alec sprawled arse up, legs spread, and Q finally entering the state of sweaty fever that had gripped Alec for the last few days.  He had managed to wriggle his upper body free of the stifling covers and most of his layers, but the tightly wrapped duvet and Alec's heavy arm prevented him from escaping completely.

Q pushed his hair off his damp brow and looked pleadingly at Bond.  "Get me out of here.  This bastard is dead to the world and will not release my legs. I swear I will piss the bed soon."

"One moment" Bond smirked, setting a large box on the bedside table.  "This will get him moving."  Bond stroked a small white swab over Alec's arse and then plunged the syringe of medication into the fleshy muscle.

"Jesus fucking Christ!"  Alec hollered, leaping out of bed and rubbing at the sore spot.  "You could have snapped that damned needle and left it my arse cheek!"

"But I didn't" Bond said mildly.  "Help Q out of bed while I dole out these pills."

Q sniggered even though it hurt his head and strained his full bladder.  That was until Alec seized the bottom of the duvet and pulled, spinning Q out of his fluffy roll of blanket and onto the floor.  "Ha!  You'd better have one of those spikes for him too, James."

"You are not going to stick me in the arse James!"  Q snapped at him trying to make his way to the bathroom as his head swam with fever.  Alec started to laugh, then cough, finally turning into a choking rasp.     
  
"Oh you bloody know what I mean, you tossers!"   
  
"Would you rather bare your arse again for the lovely Tom from Medical?"  Bond loitered just outside the bathroom door laying in wait to nab Q before he could make an escape out into the rest of the flat.     
  
"Who in the bloody hell turned up the heat..." the once freezing dark haired sickie had now stripped off to just his pants and was covered in a sheen of sweat.  Bond grabbed him by an arm brandishing the syringe.  Q squealed trying to get away from him but quickly devolved into a coughing fit.     
  
"You squeal like a girl, Quartermaster." Alec started in again

  
"I so hate you Alec!  You and your snotty germs!"

"Save it for when I'm making breakfast, Q.  Now bend over and take it like a man". James grinned at him, placing the back of his hand against the young man's brow.  "Christ Q, you're burning up.  You need the shot."   
  
"I need bloody bacon and eggs" Alec flopped on the bed again, still naked and determined to remain so, as much to piss Bond off as to keep himself cool.  He eyed the two plastic cups of pills and the bottled water from the night before with distaste.  "And no one cares that I've had a fever for days" he huffed loudly towards the bathroom door.   
  
The shower was running and Q was crouched sullenly on the tiled floor when Alec stomped to the door.  "Hello?!  Sick here also.  Why does he get all the sympathy?"   
  
"Because you brought the plague home and poisoned your Quartermaster"  Q pouted from beneath the stream of water. His nose ran almost as freely as the shower, and his eyes had closed to slits, so he was squinting through steam, puffiness and the lack of lenses.  Alec had to admit he looked as pathetic as a half-drowned kitten.     
  
"You're well enough to be a pain in the arse, Alec" Bond commented, taking the opportunity to check Alec's temperature too.  "Still warm.  Back to bed and take the bloody pills."

Later in the day, Alec was feeling well enough to at least put on a pair of pajama pants and retreat to the sofa where he proceeded to take control of the television remote.   Also consequently forcing James to watch endless hours of cooking shows.    Q, however, was still bedridden convinced he was going to die there and it was still all Alec’s fault.

When time for the next round of meds came, Q wasn’t in the bed and there was no sound of water running the shower.  James panicked for a moment because he wasn’t convinced Q was well enough to stand and walk to the bathroom by himself without falling from dizziness.  

“Alright in there, Q?” James pushed the bathroom door open slightly to find the naked young man lying face down on the bathroom floor.  “Q?”

“Leave me alone.” Muttered the prone figure on the floor. 

“What the bloody hell are you doing?”

“It’s cold.  Tile floor is cold.  Feels good.”  

“You can’t sleep there, you little shite!”

“Let me die in peace James.  Tell Alec again that it’s all his fault.” Q muttered rolling over on his back to cool it on the tile flooring.

“Do I need to call a priest Quartermaster?” James huffed at him.  “Get up off the bloody floor Q and back to bed.”

"Shan't!"  Q closed his eyes against the sudden glare of the overhead light.  It blanked out suddenly as James loomed over him. The next thing Q knew he was being hoisted off the floor and awkwardly jiggled around until Bond could throw him over his shoulder and carry him back to bed.

"There!"  Bond dumped him in the centre of the bed and proceeded to smooth out the duvet on Alec's side.  He patted it encouragingly and wheedled,  "Look.  Nice and comfortable, no wrinkles in the blanket, and you're uncovered, so cool.  Bonus point, you can sweat and snot all over Alec's pillow in revenge."

The pout turned to a weak grin as Q shuffled his arse over, plumping the pillows behind him and sprawling like a pale naked starfish.  "I need a fan.  I should make that bastard come and stand over me wafting me with a fan," Q croaked.  "That would be sweet revenge." 

Bond handed him the pills and stood over him while Q swallowed them down.  "You know I think I will advise Medical that you both need a full blood work-up.  And shots.  Lots and lots of shots.  We really can't afford the Quartermaster to be laid so low with a little cold."

"A little co..."  Q's bellow became a cough so violent and deep-seated it turned his face puce.  "Cough n'up a lung," he gasped between bouts of barking.  He turned to spit into a tissue and presented it to Bond for his inspection.  "See... I'm hacking up my innards!"

Bond took a step back, shying away from the gruesome presentation.  "You are so gross sometimes Q.  Rest!"

The next day Alec’s fever had finally subsided and he took the opportunity to quickly escape out of the flat into the outside world once more, Bond practically gleefully shoving him out the door.  Q, however, was still in the burning up fevered stage and turned into a whining toddler just because Alec was not around to snark at and blame for his illness anymore.

“I want to go to work.  If I can’t go to work, then shoot me and put me out of my misery.” Q snarled at Bond tossing all the bedding off on the bedroom floor having a hot rampant fever moment again. 

“I would gladly drive you to work myself, you little shite.  You would just infect all of MI6 with your snotty germs though and I’d never hear the end of it.  Cover up!”

“I shan’t!”

“I can call Medical to come get you, Quartermaster,” Bond waved his mobile at the pouting lump in the bed.  “I’m sure Tom would just love to have you as a guest.”

“I so do not like you at all James.” Q heaved an empty tissue box at him but not even coming close to hitting him without his glasses.  “Bored!  Very bored!   I need to see what is happening in my department.  Can I have my laptop and my glasses?.”

“Will it make you be quiet for a tad?”

“Probably not. Or can I come out and watch television?”

“And spread your nasty germs all over the flat!  Don’t think so Q.”

“I really don’t like you at all now James.” But whatever he was going to snark at Bond next was interrupted by another sneezing and coughing spell. 

Bond shook his head, hiding his fond smile and trotted downstairs, returning a few minutes later with Q's laptop and another shot.  "I'll make you a deal.  Present your arse for this jab and you get an hour of laptop time."

Q continued to pout between sniffles while Bond smiled patiently, setting Q's computer at the other side of the bedroom.  "I am the Quartermaster of MI6!  I demand to be taken seriously when I want...  Fuck!"  Several excessively snotty sneezes in quick succession made his head spin, and his indignation was shattered.  He fell back against the pillows, clutching a handful of tissues to his nose and mopping at his eyes with the other.

"I don't think you are up to work, Q.  Your department will just have to manage a while longer without you,"  James waved the syringe "But this might just get you back there a little earlier.  And I'll find a movie for you to watch on Netflix."

Q groaned and blinked his eyes repeatedly.  His vision was still blurry and he doubted if he could focus on a movie, much less actually work, but just having the precious laptop beside him made him feel more like himself.  Sighing resignedly he threw the duvet off and rolled over.  "Please James, shoot me in the arse."

“You sound so pathetic, Q.” James couldn’t help but chuckle at what a pathetic mess he was at the moment.  Even Amelie had abandoned him since he flounced too much in the bed and she couldn’t find a comfortable spot to curl up in without being bounced around.

It wasn’t long after James pushed the bedroom door open slightly to check on Q to find the younger man curled up asleep.   Snoring loudly, Q was wrapped around his laptop and a box of tissue as if they were cuddly stuffed animals, obviously drooling on his laptop, which prompted a photo with his phone sent off to Alec.   James gently laid a hand to Q’s forehead and face, finding it actually cool for the first time in days.  Maybe he was on the downward side of this snot ridden illness.  

James’ phone pinged with a text from Alec. “Nice soggy laptop.  Shared with Moneypenny… which means all of 6 will have seen it soon.  LOL”. 

Q snored loudly waking himself up, rolling over onto is laptop and puddle of drool.  “What the bloody…”

"Sleep well, Quartermaster?"  James chuckled at the imprint of the keyboard on Q's cheek and the wild tangle of curls that stuck out in a chaotic halo around his confused face.  "You were out for the count for a while, but it seems like it's done you some good.  Do you think you can make it to the shower unaided?"

"Shower?" Q repeated stupidly, blinking owlishly at Bond like the man was speaking a foreign language.  He looked down at the laptop which was showing a screensaver, and back at Bond.  "Was I working?"

Bond rolled his eyes and rescued the computer, dragging the damp sweaty bedding off the bed and holding out his arm to help Q to his feet.  "Perhaps letting you loose in the bathroom on your own is a bit much yet.  Come on.  Wash, and then I'll make you some proper lunch.  Are you hungry?"

"Starving.  I want... oh my God, I want..."

"Noodles" Bond laughed, interrupting him.  "With shredded chicken.  This isn't the first time I've nursed you through an illness, you little shite.  You never want anything else once your appetite is back."

Q sat impatiently on the toilet lid while Bond washed him down with a flannel, not trusting Q to stand unaccompanied in the shower.  He brought fresh pajamas for Q to dress in and left him to it while he stripped the bed.  A short while later Q emerged looking slightly less dishevelled.

"Bring the laptop downstairs when you come, James.  I'll be on the sofa.  Oh, and I fancy tea...none of that cold cure shite anymore.  Proper Earl Grey, hot with a touch of honey..."

"Yes, your bloody Highness," Bond bowed at Q's back as he exited the bedroom unsteadily.  "I live to serve.  Apparently."

Bond finished changing the bedding once again.  It had become a multiple time a day event with two sickies in the flat and headed to make comfort food for Q, only to find that he had only made it as far as halfway down the stairs.    
  
"Q?  Problems?"   
  
"Not as lovely as I thought I was," looking pale again.  "Stairs started looking a tad lopsided and moved in the wrong direction."    
  
"And you thought you could work on your laptop." Bond huffed at him snagging him by an arm, pulling him up steadying him. "Up you go Quartermaster. Let's get you settled on the sofa."   
  
"Will be better after noodles.  It's a proven fact that noodles are the cure for most illnesses.”   
  
"Of course Quartermaster."   
  
"I'm sure there must be a dissertation or research paper written on that very subject somewhere."     
  
Q curled on the sofa looking pale.  James had to admit, adorably pathetic as he fussed, pulled and patted the throw into a shallow nest around him.  "I think I need the TV remote, my tablet, and where the hell did I leave my phone?" he groused as Bond busied about satisfying his demands.

"I swear you are more whiny than Alec!"  Bond tossed him the remote and escaped to the kitchen to conjure up some lunch.  Ten minutes later he returned with a steaming bowl full of noodles, chicken and fresh sliced greens in broth.  Q growled when Bond took the remote and all of his tech away.  "Eat, Q.  I'm watching."

Q was hungry but hadn't eaten for days so he soon found himself full.  James took the bowl from him and then leaned back on the sofa, pulling the younger man with him to snuggle into his chest while they watched TV.  "Did the noodles work their magic" 

"Ummm" Q snuffled sleepily, burying his nose in a tissue and his face in Bond's jumper.  "I think I'm really quite better now."


	3. Chapter 3

Alec returned later in the day to find Bond still on the sofa with a dozing Q sprawled across his lap, sound asleep, wrapped around him like a feverish snotty octopus.  Bond was reading a book using one of Q's boney hips to prop his book up on.      
  
"Thank god you are home.  Help me unwrap him from around me.   I feel like I need a shower myself from him sweating and sneezing on me."     
  
"Hello to you too James.  My day was lovely. Thank you for asking."  Alec poked at him gently reacting to untangle their Quartermaster's gangly limbs from the duvet he had nested around himself.  "Something smells good in the kitchen though.  Were you in housewife mode today James?"   
  
"You are a wanker Alec.  Made Q noodles.  He finally ate something."   
  
"Good thing he's feeling better. R is getting a little frantic.  Seems we shared our germs throughout Q Branch.   Falling to the terminal snot illness right and left."   
  
  
Q opened one eye at the mention of his domain.  "You are definitely going into quarantine in future, Alec.  Thanks to your germ warfare England could fall as she is so inadequately protected.  Flu shots to be administered to all essential personnel. Tell Moneypenny to make it so."   
  
"Overreacting much? A tad stroppy for a sickie."  Alec grinned, finally gaining possession of the duvet and chuckling when he discovered Q was starkers underneath.  "A questionable treat in the circumstances, James."   
  
"Easy access to his arse" James smirked, "To stick a needle in, obviously," he clarified.   
  
Q sat up and plucked a snotty tissue from his cheek.  "That does it.  I am going back to work tomorrow.  Neither of you understand quite how important my role is to the smooth running of MI6!"   
  
"Oh yes we do" they chorused.     
  
"You tell us at least twice a week, you little shite."  Alec flopped onto the sofa and pulled their naked lover into his lap so James could rise and shake some feeling back into his legs.     
  
"And we'll see how you are tomorrow, Q. No returning unless you are on top form."   
  
Q grabby handed for the duvet now that he was stripped of his cocoon, uncovered and bare skinned he was freezing.  “I can bundle up and go.” Q sighed trying to reach for the box of tissues that was now at the far end of the sofa, almost falling from Alec’s lap.  

James tossed the box towards Q’s flailing hands. “I highly doubt that a duvet and layered pyjamas are standard wardrobe for Q Branch.” 

“Might be an improvement from some of the things the nerds wear.”   Q squirmed around until he finally managed to extract himself from Alec’s grasp. Grabbing up the duvet he headed back towards the bedroom.  

“Going back to bed. Amelie appreciated me.” He muttered getting halfway to the stairs before a sneezing fit struck him, fumbling with the tissue box, duvet slipping and puddling around his ankles.  

“Nice arse Q.”  Alec chuckled.  “That would be better attire for Q Branch.”

“Don't expect to see my arse again soon,” Q snarled fumbling with the duvet and the tissues losing them both on the floor two more times before he finally managed to head upstairs.  

"What do you think?" James glanced at his partner who was still collapsed on the sofa, head back and eyes closed.   
  
"Him going back tomorrow?  Not a chance." Alec yawned widely. "I've been making a nuisance of myself with R, hardly strenuous work, but I am beat.  He'll try to put in a full shift and more."   
  
James hummed in agreement.  If Q was intent on heading back to work, James would have fun stopping him.  "Maybe I should hand over the laptop full time, what do you think?"   
  
"Sure, if he promises to rest and not try to throw his weight around with R from a distance."  Alec raised his head at James' snort.  "Yes, you're right.  What am I thinking that he could keep his nose out?"   
  
"Maybe warn her first? I'll keep him supplied with noodles and chocolate, and she can pass him all the dull stuff to sign off on?"   
  
"Sounds like a plan.  So, dinner?"   
  
"Your job.  I'm playing nurse to His Majesty in 10 minutes.  Unless you want to listen to him curse you all over again?"  James flipped through the box of medicine.   
  
"Pizza it is" Alec grinned, heading for the phone.

Q’s fever finally broke in the night but both James and Alec refused to let him go back to work the very next morning, forcing him to stay laptop bound once more day before he descended back into the depths of Q Branch. 

“I’m fine.  See no fever.” Pulling work attire out of the closet just to have it snatched out of his hands by James.

“You’re not going in today.  Fever has to stay down for the entire day and then you can go back. Plain and simple.” 

“But Alec went back before he was completely well.” The toddler whining had begun but neither James nor Alec would give in to him

“That’s because if he didn’t go back then, we would be planning his funeral now because I was about ready to kill him for being such a pain in the arse.” James threw back at him taking another pair of trousers out of his hands.  “The answer is still no Q.”

“Then I want breakfast.  Full English with lots of eggy porn if I can’t go back to work.”

“I don’t know James.  You might want to reconsider your ruling there.  Being stuck here with a half feeling better Quartermaster might be worse than turning him loose on Q Branch.”

And just in the nick of time that Q was finally on the mend and ready to return to work  because R, who had been in charge while Q was down with terminal snot, was starting to show symptoms of falling victim to it herself.

Q spent his final day housebound being as big a pain in the arse as possible to James around the flat, and to R, who was not feeling well at all, online and over comms.  James, of course, took it all in his stride, refusing to bite at the numerous pokes Q issued.  He kept the Quartermaster well fed and watered, and still administered the dreaded medication at regular intervals.  R, on the other hand, was set to commit bloody murder.

"I checked that data three times, Q, it cannot possibly be wrong!" The normally calm woman snapped nasally.  There was a weird whistling at the other end of the line, and then an ear-shattering sneeze, followed by snotty snuffling into a handkerchief.  A cotton, man-sized hanky, if Q knew R at all, not some common balm-covered tissue.

"It's a good job my ear drums are covered on the company insurance scheme," Q said dryly.  "The data is wrong, however.  If you would just look at the third set of coordinates and compare that to the..."

"Q... you are my superior, and I respect you.  I will look again at this bloody report that I can barely see through my squinty, watery eyes and double check all facts.  Again.  On one condition...  You fuck off and leave me alone!"

The comms link was abruptly disconnected leaving Q rather bemused on the sofa.  "R told me to fuck off," he said with some wonder when James brought him a strong black coffee.  "I don't think she ever...  No, I KNOW she has never..."  He gave James a panicked look.  "James!  I absolutely must return to my post tomorrow, the poor woman is losing it!"

Alec and James managed to stall the fidgety Quartermaster one more day and night before they couldn’t keep him from descending on Q Branch any longer.  “Remember you’ve been out ill so there is no jumping right back into 11-12 hours days.  Out at a decent time tonight.  We will come looking for you.”   Alec fussed at him in the car park as they arrived at MI6. 

“I’m not a toddler.” Q huffed at him as Alec escorted him to Q Branch.  Alec gave him that look that said ‘you and I both know you truly are but we will just keep pretending you aren’t’.  Bond headed to upper reaches of MI6 to report in to Tanner in M’s office.

Pushing through the outer doors of his domain, Q immediately began tossing off his coat and dove right into assuming command of his team.  “Everyone who has a cough, sniffle, or remotely feels as if they are becoming ill,  thanks for 006 sharing his lovely germs with us all, needs to go home.  Now! We will manage without you. I  especially do not want to feel like I need to wear a hazmat suit to be here.  GO! ”  Somewhere behind a security feed there were security guards chuckling at the sight of the entire Q Branch turning around to stare at Q with obvious deer in the headlights look.  

“Was I speaking a language that you don’t understand?” Half of his team, although still looking puzzled at the directive, began packing their things.  Q swung around on the closet minion “You!  Call facilities maintenance and  half them come disinfect this entire department.  We will work around them.  R, you are joining them.  Go home!’ 

"But..."  R began, only to find Q shoving her coat and bag at her, and shooing her towards the doors.

"I'm giving you, and everyone else, time to get over this damned epidemic, or we will be running at half strength for months.  Out!  Now! And don't come back until you're well."

Minions began to scurry towards the exit, bags only half packed, as it became clear Q would stop at nothing to throw them out bodily if they failed to take their sniffing and coughing out of his department.  When the door closed behind the last of the escapees he turned with a manic grin.

"Right.  You are either made of stern stuff or you've already recovered.  I don't care which.  When I walk the floor and stop at each desk I want an update from each of you... progress, issues, delays... I want no surprises when I next see M.  Hop to it!"  He turned and grabbed a passing young tech, peering at his badge.  "Consider yourself on tea duty today, Bryan.  Hot, sweet and on my desk in five please."

Upstairs in M's outer office, Bond fidgeted, waiting for his superior to call him in.  Moneypenny was absent and Tanner leaned on his elbow, trying to stop his teeth from chattering.  "Cold in here, but those old radiators are belting out heat," Tanner commented.

Bond agreed that it was chilly, even though he had worn a pullover under his jacket.  He leaned against the radiator and tried to absorb the heat but it didn't seem able to filter to his core.  "Want to get maintenance to take a look."  Bond poked at the thermostat but it was as high as it would go.  "Get them to clean too.  Dusty"  he sneezed.

Bond waiting for an eternity in M’s outer office discussing between the two of them how such a newly built structure could have such faulty heating.  M finally called him inside and proceeded to talk at Bond about a mission he would be sent on earlier in the upcoming week, it’s importance, etc. etc.  Bond only half heard what M’s was saying but nodded and replied “Yes M” at the appropriate moments… A skill that all good double 0 agents learned quickly upon their promotion.

However, the thoughts kept running through his mind that M’s office wasn’t any warmer than the outer office was, was Moneypenny out with the plague also, and why were the leather chairs in M’s office so much colder today.  The words “You’re dismissed Bond” did actually catch his attention though and he quickly made an exit out of the high altitude of the admin offices to underground chaos of Q Branch.

He stopped just inside the doors where Alec had ensconced himself in a corner joining him.  “It’s like watching strategic battlefield planning sometimes when he gets engrossed sometimes.” Alec chuckled. “Sometimes it’s just the opposite though… like herding cats.”

Bond turned to say something to him but was stopped by a sneezing fit that overtook him.

"Who the bloody hell dares to sneeze in my department!"  Q whipped around, searching for the culprit.  Several minions in his line of sight ducked and even the two agents startled at the bellow.  "Was it you?"  Q loomed over a terrified looking young man with the misfortune of having a naturally ruddy complexion, who shook his head emphatically.

"N-No, Quartermaster" he stammered.  "I am quite well."

"Then who?"  he glared, eyes finally alighting on his partners in the corner of the room.  Alec wore a huge grin, and was patting Bond on the back.  Bond looked like his eyes may explode with the effort of trying to hold in another sneeze.

"Oh, you poor bastard" commiserated Alec with a chuckle, as the dark haired man bore down on them.  "I think you're going to find out what it's like to be on the end of the Quartermaster's revenge."

"Fuck! Save me, Alec!" Bond spluttered, finally giving in to the sneezing fit.

"006!  I demand you escort this snotty contagious pariah up to Medical immediately!"  Turning to Bond "If a single one of my people so much as sniffles, 007, I will ensure you are subjected to the full barrage of medical tests, including every single STD screening, after every mission."

"Oh lord James, you are in trouble" Alec smirked, taking his partner's arm.  James followed weakly, still sneezing and shivering.

"And Alec...?"  Q called after them, "Make sure Tom knows how grateful I will be if he personally jabs 007 in the arse!"

“Come on James.  Your turn to bare your arse.”  

“Oh 006, just remember after visiting Tom you’re on sick duty. Best brush up on your bedside manner.”  


End file.
